STUDENT INCITES PANIC WITH BREADBOX DISPLAY Staff Reporter
The St. Louis Herald's reporter was the first on the scene after a Washington University student was spotted toting a breadbox around campus. The student was quickly intercepted by St. Louis' SWAT team, whose snipers removed the breadbox from the student's possession through the application of high-velocity projectiles.
Upon hitting the ground, the breadbox opened and was discovered to be filled with paper. The student's friends and family claim that the contents were simply the student's biology textbook, a claim that has not yet been verified. In the interest of public safety, the FBI is currently examining each page for subversive anti-genetic modification sentiments, such as traces of flour from a non-government approved baking facility. Recent raids on student housing have revealed that Washington University students in possession of several ounces of white powder, later proved to be unlicensed flour, and federal prosecutors have stated that these criminals will receive the strongest punishment possible under the law.
While proof of illegal flour has yet to be discovered in this most recent case, this dangerous trend of re-purposing discarded storage and processing devices for baked goods must be put to a stop. The emergence of 'toaster and breadbox chic' is at best a symptom of backwards-thinking nostalgia for days before Monsanto brought about a new era of food design, and at worst the dangerous incitement of public disorder.
The student is currently in the St. Louis' General Hospital's trauma ward undergoing surgery for high-velocity projectile extraction, but is expected to make a full recovery. If found innocent of possession of unlicensed flour, he will be asked to perform community service for creating a public panic by appearing to run an illegal bread-transportation operation.
The St. Louis Herald is grateful for the continued patronage of its sponsor, Monsanto-Hostess-ConAgra Foods Inc., without whom it would be unable to continue working for the public good.
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entry by tangerine
Date: 2011-08-23 03:24 pm (UTC)Staff Reporter
The St. Louis Herald's reporter was the first on the scene after a Washington University student was spotted toting a breadbox around campus. The student was quickly intercepted by St. Louis' SWAT team, whose snipers removed the breadbox from the student's possession through the application of high-velocity projectiles.
Upon hitting the ground, the breadbox opened and was discovered to be filled with paper. The student's friends and family claim that the contents were simply the student's biology textbook, a claim that has not yet been verified. In the interest of public safety, the FBI is currently examining each page for subversive anti-genetic modification sentiments, such as traces of flour from a non-government approved baking facility. Recent raids on student housing have revealed that Washington University students in possession of several ounces of white powder, later proved to be unlicensed flour, and federal prosecutors have stated that these criminals will receive the strongest punishment possible under the law.
While proof of illegal flour has yet to be discovered in this most recent case, this dangerous trend of re-purposing discarded storage and processing devices for baked goods must be put to a stop. The emergence of 'toaster and breadbox chic' is at best a symptom of backwards-thinking nostalgia for days before Monsanto brought about a new era of food design, and at worst the dangerous incitement of public disorder.
The student is currently in the St. Louis' General Hospital's trauma ward undergoing surgery for high-velocity projectile extraction, but is expected to make a full recovery. If found innocent of possession of unlicensed flour, he will be asked to perform community service for creating a public panic by appearing to run an illegal bread-transportation operation.
The St. Louis Herald is grateful for the continued patronage of its sponsor, Monsanto-Hostess-ConAgra Foods Inc., without whom it would be unable to continue working for the public good.